Friendship and Plans

Dear Doll-face,

Settle in, this one's gonna be a deep one.

I know you're not big on religious talk... as Karl Marx said,  "Die Religion ... ist das Opium des Volkes"  But right now, in the shadow of my grandfather's death, you'll have to excuse my codependency. You see in my faith, in my system of beliefs, there is a God.  You can call "god" whatever you want, "God" might as well be an elephant in a mermaid costume for all I care.. but the big thing about my God is that he, she, they.. has a plan.  Now, their plan may not make much sense to me, but that's because I'm a tiny insignificant piece of carbon.. it would be impossible for me to understand the grandeur of the universe that has been created around me. I am not even going to PRETEND I have control over the world, heck sometimes it's all I can manage to keep SIMS happy.

The point, my darling, that I am trying to get to is that the big elephant upstairs has plans, and she doesn't really have the time of day to forward me the amount of memos it would take to get me into the loop. I get that.  I'm carbon.  However sometimes, as tiny as I am, I forgot exactly how tiny I am.  I think that I have a real sense of control.  I think that I have the HONOR of making plans for my life, and for others.  Now I'm not saying I can't plan out a week of dinners, or a vacation.. I can go ahead and do that.. but I sometimes forget that my vacation doesn't really register on the list of important things to keep clear of on god's to do list.

Life and death are beyond us.  I can't tell you why the Christian version of God would let children starve, or people get murdered.  I can't begin to understand the war of "good" and "evil." (I'm carbon, remember that.. because you are too after all..)  But what I can grasp is that someone somewhere out there has a plan... human life is too perfectly coincidental to be just an accident. So when my grandfather died last week, a mere hour after having just been visited by a friend, without any sudden medical problems, I am left with NO choice but to embrace the fact that maybe it was just part of some grand plan.  After all, he knew your brother and I were going to visit this coming weekend, he wouldn't have wanted to miss that.. right?

Now I'm not so bold to try and tell you that I think HUMANITY is the main plot in this "plan" that "god" has... for all I know we're just like a side quest in Skyrim... entertaining... we add to the depth of the whole game.. but mostly you wouldn't lose much if you just skipped over us.

I bring up plans because I have a confession to make.

I had given up making plans.

I had actually given up on a lot of things... plans and friendship.  After Amber and Derrick moved, I gave up on making new friends.  My friends were all gone, and I was stuck in your parents crumby house for another year and a half.. bad luck on my part... but lucky for me.. my giving up wasn't part of my life's grand plan.

When my boss tried to shove her sister on me, I was just flat out annoyed.  But then I met her.  She was freaking funny, and she had a similar sense of humor to mine.. and she needed to move out of where she was living... we're poor... it was a match made in broke-ness and deal sealed by laughter.  Because she was new in town, she needed to make friends... I, in an attempt to help her, introduced her to a few of the friends that I'd given up on.

It was through Heather that I finally started to feel like it was okay, I could make friends.. I could forge new friendships.  Heck, I could have a conversation with another girl and not want to stab her.  I have a place to go and play games with people, and laugh, and feel moderately accepted... (everybody hates Devon.. and he's a jerk.. and he's okay with that so we're okay with it too)

Once again, I have standing plans once a week to see people besides your brother... but you know what the problem with plans is.. so I'm sure you're waiting for the down slide...

I am too.  I'm scared to death to make plans again.  I was getting comfortable. I was making friends.  I was feeling in control... but now I'm not and I've got a rifle casing in a black box to remind me of that.. (also a spiffy tattoo.)  But what I DO have now, what I didn't have a month ago is the belief that even though I sure as shit shouldn't make plans... I am capable of reaching out in my fear. In all the loneliness I can indeed find friendship.  It comes in all kinds of unexpected places.. and I think that's probably the beauty of all of it...

Plans and friendship... lessons I swear I have learned, but never seem to remember...

Rice crispy pumpkin pops for game night tomorrow.. 

they are setting over night.. and I know you're totally jelly...