Why?

Dear Dollie,

Why do you like this picture?

Seriously, I was such a dumb looking baby.

Also, nothing important happened today. I woke up with another wonderful headache, and to my good fortune (sort of..?) I was called off work because there wasn't enough there that I was necessary.  That's fine. Fridays are supposed to be my reset days anyway.  I was totally good with it.

It's almost midnight and I am waiting for hard boiled eggs to cool so I can make your big brother deviled eggs.. because no one in this house is tired right now.  (We both slept until, like, 1:30 this afternoon).

Your brother's League of Legends launcher is working again, and this skin was released today for one of his favorite champions.  You can guess what he's been up to all day today I bet.  Because of the RP Derrick bought him in exchange for wearing a tux on his wedding day he had enough to buy it today.

Speaking of that wedding, you would not believe the amount of STUFF sitting at the house for me to scrapbook for them. I have over 100 pictures to book, not counting the STUFF to put in the book.  They'll be lucky if I have it done before their 6 months mark. Seriously... so much stuff.

Anyway, I know I don't normally piggy back letters, but I just wanted to pop in because I was BORED and had nothing better to do.. also because I found that picture that you forced me to take on my phone and was annoyed by it. Look, now it's on the internet, I can delete it from my phone's memory.

Love you! <3

Goodbye's are horrible.

Dear Doll-face,

I intended to write to you tonight about how amazing/awful the movie Abraham Lincolin, Vampire Hunter was, and how awful Amber is for not cooking dinner for us before the last night, but instead I thought I'd get deep with you, and share why excactly Derrick and Amber leaving feels so much like heart break and prehaps remind you that everything will be okay.

Excuse the derp on my face, I was
 pretty derppy at this point in my life.

In the fall of 2007 I started dating a boy who was nothing but trouble and drama and he was truely no good for me.  I thought I was in love, I know now I was infatuated.  When our relationship fell to absolute pieces by January 2008 I was a wreak.

And it wasn't just the break up.  That previous fall my parents got into a legal battle over the cost of my tuituion and I ended up in the middle of it. My father wanted to see my grades and because the school's policy was that no one could have access to those unless I gave them that access, I felt it was unnecessary for him to get them. It was pretty ugly, and really it only got worse as the semester drug on.  Along with the ugly battle between them, my best friend was falling apart 4 hours away at her fancy private college.  She had come out of the closet (finally) and her life was quickly becoming a nightmare.  My closest friend on campus had become an RA and so I hardly ever got to see her (this is actually the year we really lost touch) I was miserable without her.  She had been the rock that held me together through my freshman year.

That boy that I was infatuated with, he didn't help things. Our relationship was always on the rocks, I was slowly going crazy and his web of lies were the only thing stringing me along. I lost 60 pounds in a single semester because I stopped eating.  I stopped sleeping.  I was completely engrossed in the dramatic crap show that was my life.  In January when he broke up with me, (or really, I finally let him because he had tried in Decemeber but I declared that he wasn't a quitter so we had to keep trying... yes I was that delusional at this point.)  By March I had pushed away most of my friends in some haphazard quest becoming a better person and earn his love back (yeah, still really delusional) and my personal pychosis was to the point where the safest place for me was no where.  No one liked me.  No one knew me. 
I was a ball of broken mystery. I felt completely isolated.  Everyone wanted me to change and be "better" but I didn't even know what that meant.

I was in this deep dark hole. There was absoltely no light, no sound, no way out.  I was being wreakless with my body and my heart.  I gave myself willingly over to all sorts of vices, some I wouldn't even dare to whisper today. I stopped going to class, I stopped doing homework, I continued to not eat or sleep.  I obsessed over lost "love" even though I knew it wasn't love anymore. It was insanity.  One night I begged someone to cancel their plans and hang out with me.  I didn't feel right.  My mom had been fighting with my dad, my grandfather was ill, and I felt like nothing more than a raw burden on society.

The idea struck like lightening.  No one would feel the need to fix me, save me, change me, pay for my college, or worry about me at all if I was dead. So I penned a letter that I mostly don't remember and  calmly poured myself a glass of water then pulled all my medications out of my closet. There were some heavy hitting pain killers and your standard cold tablets.

I sat down on the bathroom floor and mixed myself a medley of half of each bottle I had.  There were probably 6.  I thought for sure my migraine medication would put me fast asleep before my body's natural reactions to puke kicked in.  I don't know how long I sat there in the silence on the cold tile. I also don't know how many I actually took.  Somewhere from the shadows I had gotten an idea, that I would call Derrick.

My body started to panic.  He was on the other end of the line telling me he was going to come get me, and I just kept saying no. It didn't matter. He came.
I broke into a sprint, tearing up evidence, flushing left over pills, and trying to wipe the hysteria out of my eyes.  I remember looking down in to the toilet bowl and thinking how much suicide looks like a rainbow on it's way back up.

It was a couple of days before word got out about my brush with death and your big brother was one of the people who sat by my side the day I left for the hospital.  Looking back it's hard for me to remember individual hours and days, it's mostly a blurr anymore. 
My first weeks back at school no one really knew how to react towards me.  It was a slow long process to complete recovery.  I'm still not actually recovered. I don't think I ever will be.

Note how facial hair and hair cut changes
 a wild Derrick's appearance drastically.

So today as I barely hugged Derrick goodbye (he was super sweaty from packing the UHaul) and gave Amber well wishes my heart shattered.

Today I am your big sister because of Derrick.
I fell in love because of Derrick.
I graduated college because of Derrick.

He came when no one else cared. He showed up with open arms and no judgment. Because of that, I'm alive.

Don't get a big head though Derrick, you're still an asshole. (A loveable one, but one nonetheless.)

So today I said goodbye again.  I hate goodbye's. Yours was awful enough (your brother is still moping on the couch, because that's where you sat) but at least we know we'll see you again.  This could be it for Amber and Derrick. There are no familial obligations to them.  All I can do is hope and pray that the future brings us all together again.

I miss you kiddo, doll-face, darlin, sugar, and all of those other names that I call you so often. Let my personal history be testimate to you that even in your darkest of hours, someone still cares, and sometimes it's the someone you least expected.

Sleep Deprived

Dear Doll-face,

I am so sleep deprived.  I don't know HOW you slept on that pull out couch/bed so much, it's killing me.  We still haven't replaced ye olde broken fan, so we are still sleeping downstairs.  This will have to change soon though because Mike will be home for good in about a week.  Boo.

The cook-out went well.  We had many people over, but it wasn't the same without you there to eat nothing but meat and drink all of the sweet tea.  I guess you might have ate some of the corn on the cob... My mom stopped by with Yoda for a bit, and he made friends with everyone who he could con into a tummy rub (read: everyone).  The boys mostly played and talked about Magic, the girls mostly avoided it.  It was pretty typical. 

This is deliciousness in frozen form.

I also made home made fudge pops that you would probably kill for. They are chocolate nutella frozen pops. They are DIVINE.  My only regret is that the popsicle containers I bought are so small. These have quickly become a house favorite that really just reminds us of how much we miss you.  You still haven't called us and it has offically been a week since you left.  Michael is busy pretending it doesn't bother him.  I really wish you would just call.

You also haven't posted anything on youtube, I am dissapoint.

I really wanna patch that hole in the wall.

In the mean time, we have been cleaning and rearranging the upstairs in preperation for Jon to move in, in August.  Here are some pictures of what I did to your desk.  Be jealous, very very jealous. I'll post more pictures of the upstairs when it is completely done (and there isn't laundry sitting on the bed).

Ali is in Cambodia, her status updates are all about how delicious and yellow bananas are over there.  Derrick and Amber will be over Wednesday night for one last hoorah before they leave for California.  Amber is so excited.  We recently discovered Google hangout allows for up to 10 people to video chat at a time.  She is making us promise we will have girls night via the internet within the next month.  I think I'll have to invent a drinking game.  I've been trying to reconnect with a couple of girls I know around town, in hopes I'll find a new friend out of it.  I suck at making girlfriends, they tend to not like video games as much as I do and usually have totally different life circiumstances which means we don't relate well. If I don't make new friends though, I'll drive your big brother crazy... He's already starting to drive me crazy.

OCD in color...

His League of Legends is still broken and he's probably pretty close to an anxiety attack. Maybe I can talk him into playing some Halo 3 with me.  Tomorrow is my only day off between now and Saturday (which isn't a big deal I guess) but then I work from that Sunday through Tuesday because we have July 4th off.  Well, my coworkers have it off, I will be playing perfect granddaughter for Grandpa Rowland's birthday.  I'm making his birthday dessert, cupcakes with strawberries and blueberries on them... I hope they turn out well.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap up this letter, I hope I SEE you soon, on Skype, in pixel, where you will tell us how miserable you are without us... **Note, you called before I finished writing this.. it made your brother completely happy... and it was super nice to see your face again.


Love you and miss you.

One WHOLE Year

Hey Dollie,

You were not so excited that we did this to you,
if I remember correctly.

It's official. One year ago I officially joined the family.  I thought I'd share some of the highlights and horror stories with you.

This one time your brother and I went out on a date night while you were at school and we came home and your parents were wasted watching pirated Harry Potter in Russian.  Seriously, I haven't EVER heard your mom giggle that much, and watching her stumble into the kitchen for another drink made the night pretty much hilarious.

I went one day to get my new drivers licence, the one with my brand new married name on it, and I was totally stoked until it came to time to prove my address. I had to jump through strange hoops to make it all legal and your dad freaked out because "no one needs to know Michael isn't a citizen." News flash, everyone knows, and double checking with the guy at the DMV that it didn't matter if he was an alien as long as he had a social seemed like a smarter idea, much smarter than accidentally falsifying legal documents.

We moved out of our hell apartment, and within 48 hours I had bronchitis so bad I went to the ER because I couldn't breathe. I moved into your mother's house where she had you and a 4 year old, and I was a blob of germs for the first week. I was MISERABLE.


Your mom makes good food to feed sick people.

The first official Thanksgiving your immigrant family ever had was my fault, and that turkey was DA-BOMB. I consider that a win, especially when your grandmother asked how it was made.

Watching your dad pick fights over non-sense things that are really out of his control anyway. I saw it happen a couple of times, and only acted on the situation once.  Sometimes I regret not jumping in sooner, and sometimes I regret jumping in.  On the plus side I know most everyone in the family has some sort of beef with your dad, so I guess his way of "arguing out of love" will be mine.

Your little sister made me bawl my eyes out as she explained (in the only way 4 year olds know how) that I couldn't be married to your brother because she was going to marry Daddy and you were going to marry Michael.  Of course she couldn't explain to me why her mommy didn't need to be married, or how Daddy could be married to mom and her at the same time.. but for a moment it felt like she hated me and I was miserable.  This feeling didn't go away for a few days until she asked me for a hug.


There was a time when we went to visit you at school, your mom brother and I, and we went to Nagoya (the  Japanese buffet) and you people used my tongue as a testing platter.  I have seriously never ate so many awful things in one sitting. I left that place about as hungry as I arrived and twice as nauseated.  I am totally glad I did it though, now I know I know what not to ever eat again.

Anytime I ever cooked anything you didn't like. I felt like a failure as a person.  I can't wait until you get through the picky teenage years.


The Dial Up Tour at the House of Blues. 'Nuff said.

Last but not least...

Actually becoming someone's big sister.

Take care Doll-face, love you!


*In case anyone besides Dollie is looking at this, the photography at my wedding was done by my sister from another mister and you can check her out on Facebook here.

Broken Fans and Stiff Arms

 Hey Doll-face,

We haven't heard from you since the night you arrived, and we are pretending it doesn't bother us so if you could please use some of your Jedi mind powers and call us tonight, we'd feel better.

"Hey, I'm not nameless!"

I have had a mega migraine for the past couple of days, and although I am lucky and didn't have to be at work, that means the house isn't as clean as I want it to be.  Last night we rearranged the room were your bed and desk were located. (It's not your bedroom, you never slept there.. therefore it's not your bedroom....) By we I really mean I because your brother and I have been arguing over dumb things for the past couple of days and now my arms are completely stiff and sore from moving heavy furniture alone. Also we have been sleeping downstairs because a cat, who shall remain nameless, knocked over the fan for the last time and killed it's motor.

Also, last night I heard some sharp screaming outside and we couldn't tell where it was coming from. Then suddenly a baby bunny ran out from under the porch and Killer darts out after it.  He drug it back under, and  sat outside the stairs guarding it like a pro. I was of course terrified because, you know, BABY BUNNY! Charlie ran under and grabbed it and because I was screaming like a girl Michael drug Charlie and Killer inside and the baby bunny escaped quickly and relatively unharmed.  Both of them spent the rest of the night trying to trick us into letting them back outside.

"Why yes, yes I am a killer named Killer."

Shrews, moles, birds, fish.. I can handle seeing those dead on our porch.. but I like bunnies.  Killer had a nice bite mark on him, I told him he deserved it. He's still pretty proud of himself though.

Other than that, it's been pretty uneventful around here... if you don't count last night when my head hurt so bad I threw up and passed out. Your brother didn't notice me passed out on the bathroom floor, he said he thought I was being dramatic, which only added to my fury.

Tomorrow we have to finish up cleaning the house and we have to go grocery shopping before Ryan and Kayla get into town (one heck of a way to spend a first year anniversary huh?). I'll try and snap some pictures at the BBQ Saturday and of Heritage days this weekend.


I hope you're well, we really miss you.

Day 1

Dear Doll-face,

I have spent what feels like eons thinking about what I could possibly write to you about the first 24 hours without you.  I came up with many ideas and I mostly hated all of them. Some were too sentimental, some where too sad, others were too cheery.  Then it came to me, I should just write down as many as I can remember.

It sort of broke my heart when you decided to pack that picture
 of the two of us from Michael and I's wedding day.

I'll have to start with an apology for not walking you through to security. As soon as we were half way down the escalator I was hysterical with tears. I couldn't watch you pass through those gates.  Leaving you with your escort was final enough, I knew if I watched you pass through a metal detector that I wouldn't be able to look at you with a smile.  I'm sorry for not being brave enough to not cry, but I'm even more sorry that I didn't have to courage to let you see the tears. You totally deserved to know that I love you so much it hurt to say goodbye.



Michael and I went through the gauntlet of emotions on the drive to my mom's house. We were weepy, then happy, then sad again, then hyper.  We both hated that we had even sort of argued in front of you that day.  Mostly we talked about weird dreams and what your father would say about your hair.  We talked about our future, and how we would some day leave Macomb.  We talked about what would happen if this blog went viral. Looking back I sort of hope it doesn't, there are just some things nobody but us needs to know about.

He misses wearing the cape, I can tell by how he looks
 at it when he doesn't  know we are watching.

Some things like how Saturday night during the thunderstorm we turned off all the lights and pretended the power went out. Do me a favor and don't forget to be a kid sometimes. It's good for you.

I busted my hump at work this Monday night.. It was almost too much, but I'm glad for it now, it kept the sadness at bay. Michael and I both have been doing a lot of talking since you left mostly about how we should do this, we should do that, yada yada yada. I know it's mostly to fill the silence that you normally would have completely filled with your random babble or teenager drama. It's funny to think that I don't have to worry about you bursting into our bedroom anytime soon.



It was awful to get home and see the disaster you left behind.  For once I wasn't mad though, this time I was just miserably depressed that it would be the last one I clean up for a while. I think the animals miss you already. It's like they know you aren't coming home for a while.

My favorite photos of you are the ones where you are
smiling for real..  they aren't always your prettiest smile,
but they are  the happiest looking.

I hope your flights were an adventure.  You only live once, you know. (YOLO!) Today everyone looked at Michael and I a little differently than they used to.  As my grandmother hugged me goodbye after lunch today she reminded me that it was okay to miss your children, and I didn't really understand why she of all people would have said that to me until later.  You really were mine for a while. I wanted to drive up to IMSA and physically assault your choir teacher the night she made you cry in front of everyone.  The nights you were sad I secretly hoped that ice cream or Oreos paired with hugs and silly stories would make it better.  I hated it when you were mad at me, I felt like I had betrayed you, and that we would never be close again.

You weren't mine though.  That's what I had to remember as I was miserable and thinking about all the things I was wishing to go home and tell you after work. You're not mine, and I can't keep you just because I think it's a good idea. You have a mother who already does all the things that I do for you, and more if you'd let her.

I think I'll stop here for tonight, I see you've already been on Facebook which makes me smile, and you just signed onto Skype (which makes me ecstatic but I won't message you for fear of being too clingy). Just remember that you'll be back when it's over, no need to say goodbye.

See you when you're older.

Day -1

I wasn't going to post another blog until Sunday, but with recent events I thought it might make sense to type something out to you.

My love, you have to sleep at night. You can't be staying up all night once you leave, and you know they will be watching you carfully. Also, you need to sleep tonight, there is no sense on you being awake for your over night flight tomorrow night.

I'm sorry I promised not to bother you about your essay, then turned around and had to. It's due the 20th, and you're going to effectively lose 2 days in travel unless you work on it during your 7 hour lay over in Turkey.  I know you don't want to think about school right now, but you must get this finished. I meant what I said, show me a rough draft outline so I know you have a direction, and I won't bother you anymore. I know you want to leave all of this behind, but there is no sense in wasting the credits.  They will come in handy when you come to college in Washington and live with Michael and I again during breaks.  Sometimes it feels futile to remind you of all this trivial drama, but I remember it's all for the science! Documenting everything is part of the charm of the blog.

So much nothingness. It hurts.

It sounds like Jon will be moving into your mom's old room/Tea's old room/your old room. It will be strange having another body in the house, but I'm sure it will provide more sillyness to tell you all about. Michael and I could use the extra cash anyway, I know you understand.. (But I am thinking about all the money we'll save on Nutella with you not eating it by the spoon anymore.. and all the freeze-pops.. )

The silence of work is killing me.

Also people are dumb, they don't read signs. I hate it when people think signs do not apply to them. It drives me insane. *Of course I'm referring to someone who spent 3 minutes trying to put a single dollar into a machine that had a sign on it that said "Machine out of quarters, please see counter employee for quarters.*

Anyway, I guess for now this is the end of this one, I hope by the time I get home you are awake, and have worked on your essay so we can enjoy our last full day as a weird mini family. Sleep well Doll-face.

Life by the pound.

Hey Doll-face,

Life seems a lot less important when you have to judge it's importance by the pound.. or how much space it takes in a suit case.. I keep going through the list of all the things you have left to pack, and I wonder how many more pounds we have until it's over.  Not enough.

Remember to smile like this more often.

Today I'm full of sadness, and I'm just hoping you can't tell, because it's not your fault.  Right now it may be hard for you to understand what it's like to mate with someone for life, and for that person not to be your spouse or significant other.  You see, Michael is my match, and although there are moments were we can't stand each other, we always pull through because we're together.

We're saying a lot of goodbyes, and some of those goodbyes are my other matches.  The ones that helped me stay in one piece, the ones that kept me sane, and the ones that gave me a friend when all my others were just superficial pieces of status.  They each are a counter weight to my special blend of personal insanity.  I hope sincerely by the time you see this, I will have found a way to fill the gaps they are leaving, or at least a way to cope with their absence.

We've talked about how important it is, to shape you're life in pieces, so when one falls away you aren't left so broken.  This is how I know for certain that you'll understand what I mean when I say it doesn't matter how many pieces you have, losing 5 within ten days makes everything a little bit harder to cope with.

I am a little sister.
I am a times best remembered.
I am the one with the answers.
I am a mother.
I am a big sister.

These roles and these people aren't gone forever, just for now.

My challenge for you today, the day that you read this is to not feel sad for me, but to remember to keep growing.  Add more pieces to your puzzle, and learn something new, discover a new hobby, become a fanatic or a friend to something or someone obscure.  Build new bridges, constantly.  Remember to occasionally look at the world through a different pair of sun glasses.  Be a rebel, be an angel, be a sister, a lover, a friend, an artist, a know-it-all, and most of all, be someone new everyday that you can.  The more pieces you add, the more knowledge you'll have and although you're beauty has never been in question, it too will expand.

Missing you already.

5:00 AM

Dear Doll-face,

I hate you a little bit today.  I woke up at 5:00 this morning to drive you to Aurora for an exam you didn't bother to prepare for last night.

I can see the steam pouring out from your ears.

Seriously, I can't believe you didn't study last night.  When you said that this morning I wanted to reach back and beat you with the nearest book in the car, but I decided not to because when I weighed the pros and the cons to this idea the only pro I could come up with was self-gratification for me.  Consider yourself lucky.

On the plus side I'm sitting at a Starbucks and drinking an iced Chai, which cancels out any frustration that wasn't mostly gone from when I took a nap to your brother talking about DotA in the car. You slept through some great conversations.  Mostly your brother and I decided being nice people always gets us screwed over, so from here on out it's drugs and hookers.

Whoops. I'm annoyed again because your brother just told me we don't actually know if you are going to be able to take a test today or not. For your sake, I almost hope not; for our sanity's sake, I desperately cling to hope that today goes 100% as planned.

On another note, do you know why we call those big trucks on the interstate semi trucks?  We didn't know so we Googled it as soon as we got here. The answer to this mind blowing question is here.

So, I think I'm going to wrap this blog up by telling you that yes we are going to eat at Olive Garden today because I have a gift card and we are poor.  Also, by the time you read this, IMSA will be a thing of the past, so don't get upset about the memory of however today unfolded if it didn't go as well as you'd hoped. It was just another day in our lives, and everyone makes mistakes. Yes, you could have not shot yourself in the foot by procrastinating, but at least you have hopefully learned a lesson in responsibility (On the flip side if you ace this exam with that little prep, you're a bitch and I hate you). You are growing up quickly, and there's no sense ruminating over your previous mistakes.  Take the lessons you learned from them and remember only the sweetness and goodness.  Life is too short for so much worry, and in the end we all just become part of the earth.

Love you.

(P.S. Here lies the answer to all questions you may have.)

Seeing Red

I lied, this picture wasn't for my mom, it was for my blog! HA!

Only a ginger can call another ginger, ginger.

Dollie has shown me some amazing things these past few months, if you have never heard of Tim Minchin, I highly recommend starting here. I also highly recommend Storm, especially if you are into any sorts of poetry.

Anyway, on with the letter I guess,

Dear Doll-face,

I hope your mother doesn't kill me for what we did to your hair. 

I have long forgotten the kind of joy that rebellion brings to the soul of a teenager.  I guess I hadn't realized completely in those moments where you convinced me that it was a good idea that this was something your mother would have never allowed you to do.. (I mean she wanted you to wait until you were 16 to get your ears pierced, that should have been a dead give away.)

But I'm glad you like it, and even more glad that it looks significantly less awkward in life than it does in photo.

Today your brother realized how close the days were coming, and I watched him get sad in the eyes as he made a horrible joke,

"Are we losing her, or getting rid of her?"

I laughed out of courtesy. After you leave there will be about a week and a half where it is just me and him, which will be the first time that has happened in almost a year, you know, when we got married.

I'm still unsure of when you're going to get told about this blog.  I keep thinking to myself that I should wait a couple of months, but then I question my own ability to keep a secret. I guess we'll see.

Love ya Doll-face, now I'm off to remind you to study for a chemistry exam.

The Roof

Remember when L was smaller than Killer? Before he was scared of you? 

It's hard to have time for myself when I know you could come bursting into our bedroom at any moment for any number of reasons.  It's usually to prance in, proclaim boredom, and then stare at us like we can magically fix that.  We usually can't.

[I remember what it was like to be 15, vaguely. I was always busy, and always bored.]

But right now you are downstairs on Skype with your mother for the second time today, and I'm realizing that there won't be too many days of your bursting left.

If you fall off the roof while you're vlogging tomorrow and break something, I'll snap your neck.