Happy Christmas,

Keep an eye out for Santa, will ya Doll-face? (I bet your baby sister would love to help you.)

Overnight.

Dear Doll-face,

Last night I got snowed into work.  So I did my overnight then.... I have now been awake for 24 hours... I spent from 3pm until 9am working.

The joys of working in health care....

The individuals made stir fry for dinner though... so at least we were well fed.

I am finally showered and fed so I'm going to sleep now.

PAY DAY!

Dear Doll-face,

I haven't received a pay check since November 7th, until today. I am so excited! I am super crazy excited.  It's only half of what I used to get, but that's because it was for just one week.  I also know that once I actually get off pre-service my pay checks will get lower again, until I either transfer to a full time position in another house, or unless I fill in at other homes. Either way, I can finish buying a couple Christmas gifts, and save the rest to pay for the up coming bills since all of our roommates are moving out in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, I work a late night tonight, until 9 pm, then I go back in for another classroom day tomorrow at 9 am.  Friday night is my big over night, so Thursday I work from 3 to 9 again... I'll have to stay up late Thursday, and sleep in Friday.. this worries me I have been waking up at 7:20 am like clock work. But I'll need the extra Z's to make it through Friday, and then have to reset Saturday pretty quick for the Holiday.

It's not feeling much like Christmas around here, I'm hoping tomorrow night and on I can sort of force myself into some holiday happy. I've got some things I need to accomplish before the big day, so I really need to get a move on.

I'm also sort of hoping Michael and I get gifted enough Christmas cash to be able to visit Ryan for new years, if that's still a thing we are doing. We'll see I guess.  I've been combing through photos and memories of this year and trying to put together a decent resolution for that as well.  Last year I told myself I would take this year one day at a time, and I think I need to keep trying on that one.  I still worry about things too much, and I put a lot of pressure on things I can't control... so I will have to carry it over.  I'm also thinking of  making myself a "Happy Thoughts" jar.  The idea is that once a day you write down something GOOD that happened, and you put it in the jar with the date.  As the year goes on it gets fuller, and eventually you'll have a jar of good memories and events.

Maybe you should make one of these too.  I think it'd be a good idea.  Write down one thing everyday... even it's as simple as "took a hot shower" or "ate my favorite food."  I'll make mine and post it for you to see once it's ready. I think it'd be good for both of us to remember to cherish the little things, especially when things are rough.

Anyway, I need to grab myself a sandwich and run out the door, I've got classroom at 1pm.  Hopefully we get out of there on time and I can get to my house by 3 like we are supposed to.

Take care of yourself, miss you!

Lack of Control

Dear Doll-face,

There are a lot of things in life that we can't control.. and it sucks.

Sometimes, often times we have to live our lives according to decisions others have made for us.  I, for one, know how much it blows to have to give up control of yourself, or your things because someone else needs them or had made a decision for you, that you didn't agree to.

Nothing sucks more than signing a contract and finding out that they didn't tell you to read the back of it before signing it.

In 2006 I had just graduated high school, and was preparing to leave for KSU for college.  I was elated.  I was so excited.  It was all planned out.  I was going to move into my aunt's house in August and then stay with them for all minor breaks and extended weekends, only traveling all the way back home for major holidays.  Upon finishing my first semester we were going to re list my address on file at the school as my aunt and uncle's so I could be considered an in state student and receive instate fees for my sophomore year and onward.  I LOVED the program I was coming into. I LOVED the campus. I even really got along with the roommate I was assigned to room with in the Strong Complex, in Boyd hall.  Visiting campus was like visiting HOME. I felt like I belonged there, and every time I visited I made a friend.

My parents never set up terms for my college attendence in their divorce settlement, so they went back to court when it came to light for my father that I was going to attend school out of state.  Although he and I had an extremely limited relationship, he decided if I left the state for school he'd never see me again(also he openly complained to people that he didn't have the money to pay for out of state tuition...probably because my father has poor spending habits and liked to take vacations on cruise ships...)  The court decided it was a reasonable restriction that for him to have to pay for a third of my education *which is a standard agreement in divorces... the mother pays a third, the father pays a third, and the student pays a third* I should have to attend a state school within our state.  They decided this in July of 2006.

Let's talk about devastation.

Let's talk about how you spend time preparing all of these goodbyes to friends, boyfriends, and family.. and then you suddenly find out that you're not going anywhere.  I didn't go to college where I did because I wanted to, I went because it was the only place I could get to admit me in the 11th hour before the semester started that wasn't the local community college.

And bitch please, I was not going to go to the community college that was only 5 minutes away from my dad's house.  I was going to drive as far away as I could from him.

I can't regret the decision to go to college here now, because to regret that would be to regret marrying your brother, and having you as my sister-in-law.  But I will always wonder if some of the struggles I face now, would even exist if it weren't for his selfishness and immaturity.

I know you feel the same way right now.  You're looking at your parents with anger and frustration.  You're mad because these aren't decisions you would make for yourself. Trust me, I'm looking at them that way too.  We're a family, and that means for better or worse, we are stuck together.  We are ALL at the mercy of the decisions that ALL of us make. I'm 24 years old, and married and I do not get to determine how I spend my money or where I live.  These are things normal people my age have control over. You bet your butt I sometimes want to put my head through a wall and scream and shout and send angry emails.  But I also realize that this anger and frustration isn't constructive, and besides occasionally venting to my mother or your brother pointing it at anyone else is only going to make things harder, or cause more hurt feelings.

There is ONE thing I have control over in all of this.  In ALL of our crazy and stressful life situations we all have ONE thing in common, one thing that each of us can control.

We can control how WE react, treat each other, and behave. You can be as furious and angry and sad and frustrated as you want, but it's not productive to scream and yell at whomever you are blaming or upset with. (I am NOT saying your emotions are NOT valid.  You have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you feel, no matter how you feel at any point in time.)  The ways we treat each other and the ways we act around each other are going to directly influence how we make it through rough situations.  If you treat someone like heck and are mad at them all the time, you are only creating a MORE unpleasant environment for yourself. (Even if you feel like they deserve to know that you are mad at them)  Believe it or not, NOT saying anything because you CAN'T say anything nice is a really great motto to live by. Just be polite, and do your best to not put yourself in a conversation that upsets you.  If someone strikes a nerve let it roll off your back, don't bite down and fight them.  Be BIGGER than your emotions.

It's hard advice to hear, and it's even harder advice to take.  Some days it's all I can do to follow it.

But I know the closer I follow it, the better off everything will be.

Everything is temporary, and life is to short to fight with everyone around you.

Remember you have your brother and I's love and support ALWAYS and that we think of you a million times a day.  Remember that we are ALL in this together, and that we WILL escape eventually.  Remember that although the life choices that get made for you may feel like a burden, they may eventually become something that makes you who you are as you grow in life.

There is always sunshine after a rainstorm.  It will always get better, if you wait through the worst of it.

Take care of yourself, remember that you get what you give.

Busy Busy Busy

Hey Doll-face,

So right now I'm in pre-service, which is what they call the training period of my job.  I spend about half of my day in a class room, and the second half in a home working with people.  It's intense.  I mean, it's like going back to when I had to go to school and work every day kind of intense.  We're talking 8 to 9 hours a day of learning and working... and it's hard stuff.

Only this time, what I'm learning in school actually applies.

I've only got a few minutes to spare here, but right now I'm all bundled up because today we are going to be outside and learning about vehicle maintenance this morning.  There's frost on the ground still.  I've got to be at location at 9 this morning.

I'm not going to lie it's nice just to have something to do every day again.

Anyway, yesterday I did my first shower with an individual  this was the thing I was dreading most, because I am so shy about these sorts of things.  It was fine.  The person I was with happened to love cats, so I told her about our cats to try and keep distracted and ease tension.  Now I'm more worried about my over night shift next Friday, because there is a resident who uses a feeding tube, and we'll have to administer it.

I think my biggest challenge so far is getting used to the people first language.  It's easy when the individual is right there in front of you, more tricky when you are trying to ask questions about them and can't remember their names.  For some people, it's easy.  For other's, it's harder.  One person likes to ask me my name a million times a night, and she knows it by now, and then introduces herself as a different person every time to be funny.  She's so sweet though, so it's hard to be annoyed at her.

Thursday we are going to the location where they run the day program.  This is where a lot of people do activities to earn money.  I'm excited about seeing what goes on there, because right now it sounds so vague when my people talk about it.

Everyday gets easier, and now I'm not as tired when I get home as I used to be.  Last night I was super tired, but I was really hands on last night, and I  bounced around a lot to try and learn as much as I could and ask as many questions as I could.

I really miss you, and I can't wait to get through this pre service training so I can have a life again and be able to hopefully talk to you.  But for now I need to hit the road and get across town.  Take care, love you!

Employment, the movie?

Dear Doll-face,

This has to be quick because I actually need to leave for work soon, but I realized I didn't update you Monday night because there wasn't too terribly much to say at that point.. and I didn't update you yesterday because I was asleep by 7pm.  Hahaha.. I'm so tired.

You see, for the next two weeks most of my training will be sitting in a classroom and getting lessons on Negligence, Maltreatment, HIPPA, and other policies.  This means I sit in a room for 6 to 8 hours straight. It's completely enthralling.  Totally.

I am excited about today, despite knowing that today I have a 4 hour lesson on HIPAA... because TODAY I go to the house I'll be working in and meet the residents that live there for the first time.  Because I know things about the health care industry, I don't have to sit and listen to the HIPAA speech to know that I will NEVER be able to tell you which home I work in. I will also NEVER be able to tell you my clients names.  So if I ever get to the point where I am talking about them, they will all have nick names, and there will never be specifics about their illnesses or troubles here.  Sorry. It's a truth. But I am excited to meet them, and nervous as all get out.

There are actually 12 people in my orientation training group, and only one of them is being targeted for the same home as I am.  She doesn't seem so friendly, so I'm not really sure if that means we're going to be the kind of people that carpool or not yet.  But since we are only driving to a local house, and not a home in a neighboring town, I think we'll be okay either way.  I've even started to make friends.  It's weird, I know.

I think everything is going to start getting better now.. I really do.

I love you and miss you!! And with any luck my TB test will come back clear this morning I will still have this job tomorrow!

Anxiety and Paralysis

Dear Doll-face,

You know me by now, I haven't posted because I have yet to receive any sorts of good news.  Last week I went to two job interviews on the same day.. they were both WONDERFUL and AMAZING and both told me I would hear back either way... and both said not to expect to hear anything until after Thanksgiving.

This morning I got a call about setting up an interview with another place, but the interview isn't until December 7th. It's crazy how far out some of these interviews are.  But then again, I have been applying at some places that would do very intense background checks. If I don't get something soon though, there will be no luxury here... I will HAVE to just take something somewhere.

I'm so glad to see your sewing on facebook. I am so proud of you.  You have talent that I don't have and I'm  just shy of 10 years older than you.

Also I can't help you with your war against Ryan, sorry.  He's just kind of like an annoying uncle.. you love him, but he bothers the crap out of you sometimes.. and the best part is that he's not going anywhere because he's family.

I made unicorn poop this weekend.. *sugar cookies* They were pretty amazing tasting.  I also plan on decorating the house for Christmas this coming weekend.  Maybe I'll post some pictures of that when I get it finished.  I keep hoping that I'll start working soon and Christmas won't be so miserable.  It's likely to be our last month with two roommates.

Mike is looking at the news of being deployed in January, and if that doesn't happen he's planning on moving to Ohio with his sister for a while.  There is a girl out there he is sort of seeing, I think he just sort of wants to give that a real shot.  Not to mention there have just been some things that have happened around here... he wants to get away from. I don't blame him.  I would too.

On Thanksgiving we're going up to see my mom.  I had to talk her into NOT making an entire turkey, and just getting a turkey breast and putting it in her slow cooker.  It was pretty obvious when we first talked about it that she had been mulling over the need for leftovers for grandpa.. and I had to sort of remind her that no, we wouldn't need a lot of leftovers.  I still cry on and off.  Mostly in private.  He died, then I lost my job, and I just don't think I've been processing things very well.

Anyway, I'm going to get sort of dressed...*which means put on a clean shirt and different pj's* because it's Thanksgiving break.. and two of the jobs that I am really hoping to get said to enjoy the holiday time and that I'd hear back next week.  So that's what I'll do.

Love you, miss you.... take care of yourself.

Week 1 has passed...

Dear Doll-face,

I went to the interview, and sadly it is only seasonal work.  This blows.  However they said if they were interested in me, they would call back early this week for the second round of interviewing.  I will not turn down any job, however if I get another interview while I'm there, for full time or non-seasonal, I'm going to have to take it.

I put in another application this evening.  I was able to just relax and not worry about job hunting over the weekend, I knew no one would be in.. however tomorrow is Monday and it's time to get back on the horse. I applied at a bank, there is another place that I am VERY interested in who are hiring a fresh round of employees now too... sadly they aren't going to start their training process until December.  If they were all I got it would be frustrating to go an entire month without a job, but they are someone I actually WANT to work for... not just someone I WOULD work for.

I keep hoping tomorrow my phone will start just ringing off the hook with calls about interviews. I keep hoping to wake up and not be unemployed.  I've lost all motivation. My anxiety sky rockets at night, when my body is anxious to do something.. anything.. I keep telling myself I will start the piles of laundry, clean up the house... make use of this time.  Instead I am paralyzed.  We need to BUY things... those things cost money... and my last paycheck comes Wednesday.. it will only be a partial check.  Maybe 200$ if I'm lucky.

I guess the good news is, is that if we can make it through November, I have until January 1st before I we are flat broke and screwed.  I just don't think I can last another week of wondering if I'll get a job.

Last week I told myself I would have something by Friday.. I did manage to get an interview.. and that was epic.. now hopefully this week I can do one step better and actually land something.

Pre-Interview

Dear Doll-face,

I have an interview at a local department store.  I am so nervous. It is currently 2:46 and the interview is at 3:30. I am all dressed and ready to go. My purse is packed. My coat and scarf are ready.  All I need to do is wait.. for just a little bit more.

I hope I land this job.  It's not exactly what I was looking for, but a job is a job and that is what I want. What made me apply for it was the opportunity to learn new things.  It is something different than I have done before, so at least there is that. Everyone keeps telling me to be calm and just relax, but of course I am over thinking every angle possible.

I have never went to an interview and not been offered a job, this is including in January when I went to an interview and turned the job down after getting to keep full time hours at my last job.  So I am pretty hopeful, I just don't want to come off desperate.  This is a step in the right direction.  I know I can land this, I just know I can.

But still I have twenty minutes before I can walk out the door and drive.... I'll let you know how it goes.

Laid Off

Dear Doll-face,

Once again I am typing while being on hold.  It's time for me to report that I got laid off to my case worker, who will not be excited.

Also I need to file for unemployment today.  I have put in a few job applications over the weekend, and have  yet to hear back from anyone.  I just keep hoping things will start to look up.

I guess all I can do it wait.

Drama Llama

Dear Doll-face,

Work is full of drama.. and the new owner takes control Thursday. I cannot wait.

I am so sick of 50 year old women acting less mature than you.

I didn't even think is was possible.

I miss your face.

I have nothing nice to say, and my mother taught me if I didn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything. I will try and update you later this week when I find out what kind of job I am going to be having soon.

I love you!

In the mean time.. here's some refreshing honesty from imgur.

 

Friendship and Plans

Dear Doll-face,

Settle in, this one's gonna be a deep one.

I know you're not big on religious talk... as Karl Marx said,  "Die Religion ... ist das Opium des Volkes"  But right now, in the shadow of my grandfather's death, you'll have to excuse my codependency. You see in my faith, in my system of beliefs, there is a God.  You can call "god" whatever you want, "God" might as well be an elephant in a mermaid costume for all I care.. but the big thing about my God is that he, she, they.. has a plan.  Now, their plan may not make much sense to me, but that's because I'm a tiny insignificant piece of carbon.. it would be impossible for me to understand the grandeur of the universe that has been created around me. I am not even going to PRETEND I have control over the world, heck sometimes it's all I can manage to keep SIMS happy.

The point, my darling, that I am trying to get to is that the big elephant upstairs has plans, and she doesn't really have the time of day to forward me the amount of memos it would take to get me into the loop. I get that.  I'm carbon.  However sometimes, as tiny as I am, I forgot exactly how tiny I am.  I think that I have a real sense of control.  I think that I have the HONOR of making plans for my life, and for others.  Now I'm not saying I can't plan out a week of dinners, or a vacation.. I can go ahead and do that.. but I sometimes forget that my vacation doesn't really register on the list of important things to keep clear of on god's to do list.

Life and death are beyond us.  I can't tell you why the Christian version of God would let children starve, or people get murdered.  I can't begin to understand the war of "good" and "evil." (I'm carbon, remember that.. because you are too after all..)  But what I can grasp is that someone somewhere out there has a plan... human life is too perfectly coincidental to be just an accident. So when my grandfather died last week, a mere hour after having just been visited by a friend, without any sudden medical problems, I am left with NO choice but to embrace the fact that maybe it was just part of some grand plan.  After all, he knew your brother and I were going to visit this coming weekend, he wouldn't have wanted to miss that.. right?

Now I'm not so bold to try and tell you that I think HUMANITY is the main plot in this "plan" that "god" has... for all I know we're just like a side quest in Skyrim... entertaining... we add to the depth of the whole game.. but mostly you wouldn't lose much if you just skipped over us.

I bring up plans because I have a confession to make.

I had given up making plans.

I had actually given up on a lot of things... plans and friendship.  After Amber and Derrick moved, I gave up on making new friends.  My friends were all gone, and I was stuck in your parents crumby house for another year and a half.. bad luck on my part... but lucky for me.. my giving up wasn't part of my life's grand plan.

When my boss tried to shove her sister on me, I was just flat out annoyed.  But then I met her.  She was freaking funny, and she had a similar sense of humor to mine.. and she needed to move out of where she was living... we're poor... it was a match made in broke-ness and deal sealed by laughter.  Because she was new in town, she needed to make friends... I, in an attempt to help her, introduced her to a few of the friends that I'd given up on.

It was through Heather that I finally started to feel like it was okay, I could make friends.. I could forge new friendships.  Heck, I could have a conversation with another girl and not want to stab her.  I have a place to go and play games with people, and laugh, and feel moderately accepted... (everybody hates Devon.. and he's a jerk.. and he's okay with that so we're okay with it too)

Once again, I have standing plans once a week to see people besides your brother... but you know what the problem with plans is.. so I'm sure you're waiting for the down slide...

I am too.  I'm scared to death to make plans again.  I was getting comfortable. I was making friends.  I was feeling in control... but now I'm not and I've got a rifle casing in a black box to remind me of that.. (also a spiffy tattoo.)  But what I DO have now, what I didn't have a month ago is the belief that even though I sure as shit shouldn't make plans... I am capable of reaching out in my fear. In all the loneliness I can indeed find friendship.  It comes in all kinds of unexpected places.. and I think that's probably the beauty of all of it...

Plans and friendship... lessons I swear I have learned, but never seem to remember...

Rice crispy pumpkin pops for game night tomorrow.. 

they are setting over night.. and I know you're totally jelly...

The Needle and the Nail

Dear Doll-face,

It has been two weeks since I last wrote to you, I'm sorry.  So much has happened.  My job status is in the air, I'll know soon what kind of employment I'm working with.

My managers daughter wore an ugly homecoming dress.  I'm told it looked better on her than the hanger... but I still have doubts.

I think it's ugly... super ugly.

And lastly, as you know.. my grandfather passed.

He mostly listened to country music, but around the time I learned to drive this song was super popular, and he absolutely loved it. I also remember how much he loved to sit out on the porch with the dogs, or hung out in the back of the garage in the work shop he made for himself.  It's still mostly untouched.  I think it will be a while before mom or I gets back there.

We had a memorial service, and afterwards the VFW guys preformed Military honors. He was a quarter master back in his day and is a registered life long member.  Mom was presented with a flag, and the casings from the rifle shots were split among family members.  I have a small shadow box that holds a ribbon from one of his funeral flower spreads, a photo of him in his full dress uniform, and one of the casings.

My method of coping was called "Frozen Raspberry"

After the funeral and later that evening we all went out to dinner.  We all had our own methods of coping with the day.  Michael and I made the tedious drive back to home this afternoon.. I've got one more day off before I need to fall back into line at work.  I think I'm going to just keep to myself and relax for one more day.

Take care of yourself.. we miss you a whole bunch.  Remember that we love you.

Add caption

Being On Hold...

Dear Doll-face,

There is just nothing in the world that is as frustrating and nerve wracking as being on hold, especially when you are on hold for a government assistance phone line.

At work there is a customer who used to be a professor in the Sociology Department   When he found out that I had graduated from the Sociology program and that I had transferred from the social work program, he had a lot of questions for me.  More importantly, he didn't understand what someone with a degree was doing working as a seamstress in a dry cleaners.

I explained to him briefly that I was the wife of someone on a student visa, and that I opted to work for a couple of years rather than go into the program I wanted to start and have to stop half way through.  He understood that.

But still couldn't get his head around the entire switch.  I told him that I was too tender hearted for social work, and that sociology was that extra step away from people and closer to research, which is where I was more comfortable. He still doesn't understand.  It's hard to explain to someone when they aren't you why things just feel differently.  The social work department was just not working for me, I wasn't challenged   It was too intuitive.

"Thank your patience, please continue to hold for the next available representative."

He was also willing to try and help me get out of potentially having to leave the US.  He has a lawyer in Chicago who works primarily with immigration. He said that since we are married we may be able to plead that leaving the US would cause hardship to me, which could help us both stay. I smiled and thanked him for the advice, and told him I would keep it in mind.  I also immediately let it roll off my back. What will happen, will happen.

I spent 21 minutes on hold today, I will just have to try again on Monday.

Take care of yourself.

Help Me

Dear Doll-face,

I am enlisting your help.

Tell your brother that these are what I want for Christmas.

This Apron!

and....

This t-shirt in Grey!

Please, help my cause.  I am hopeful that I will get many more of her items, but these are the things I desire most.

Also I promise I will blog about real life things soon.. there is a development afoot.... I shall update you when it happens.

Failure...

Dear Doll-face,

Are you even keeping up? I told you to make a youtube video or I would die.. and strangely enough I have been COMPLETELY sick since I said that.  I blame you.

Today is the first morning all week that I've woken up and prayed not to fall into a coma so I didn't actually have to get up. Sadly this virus has now moved into my chest so now I am coughing.  Wonderful.  But at least I am not blowing my nose every 20 minutes, and I am surviving off medication which is an odd bonus to my existence right now. Your brother's been feeling pretty icky too..

Oh child, I didn't know when I started working on alterations at work, to make things more easy for my manger and customers, that I would end up NEEDING to hem at least 6 pairs of pants a day to keep up.  If I was working off their books I would be making a small fortune.  I am for sure not making as much as a legitimate seamstress makes.

Correction: I'm not.. evidently for people who charge by the hour, the going rate is a minimum of 10$ with well practiced people boasting about 20$.

I need to get paid more.

Anyway, I love you, and I am sad you didn't value my life enough to create a youtube video for me.. but am glad the fates decide to just make me sick instead of straight up killing me.

Miss you darling.

Pumpkin!

Hey Doll-Face,

Doesn't it look clean!?

I've been BUSY. Ryan the great came to visit this weekend so we had to clean your mom's room.  I so hated you Saturday. In your too lazy and pathetic to laundry phase you dug out a lot of clothes and left them around the floor so I did 3 extra loads of laundry to clean up your mess.  Stupid teenagers. You're lucky I love you.

Seriously... so much mess. Our garbage can is overflowing because Michael and I got rid of so much stuff that was ours that was just sitting in there.

I'm starting to get less depressed and lonely feeling. I started trying to reconnect with an old roomie. I forgot how much she grounded me when I was stressed out. It's nice to talk about stupid crap again and spend time with people besides your league obsessed brother.

This is his "I miss you" face,

Ryan misses you too. He wants you to hurry up and work on feeling better so you can come back and he can teach you to drive the stick shift.  You remember his sweet porsche. Also Ryan is a better driver than your brother.

Wednesday night I am going out for pizza with a friend from work. It should be interesting.

Oh child, I feel awful that I don't blog as often as I used to when I started, but sometimes when I don't have anything interesting to report I feel bad. Maybe I should just start listing all the things I eat in a day on those days?  Maybe???

I have a seasonal cold. It sucks balls.  Soo many balls. I miss you.  I made the boys breakfast Sunday morning and missed making you lunch breakfast on Sunday mornings...

Make me a youtube video or I'll die.

*I may or may not be on lots of cold medication right now*

Types Of Crazy

Dear Doll-face,

You may remember a time where I had a crazy roommate, and she was always getting into trouble.  Last night I found out she is in Intensive Care at the hospital because she took a lethal dose of Tylenol. I found out because my sister called, she didn't want me to hear it through the grape vine.

So I thought I'd take this moment to teach, and use it.

There are two types of certified crazy people in the world Dollie.  There are the people who know they are nuts, know they can't handle it alone, know they need help, and get it.  These are the people who actively take their meds, never miss therapy, and talk about their problems when it gets too overwhelming for them. These are the people who ask for help. These are the people who see the patterns in their behavior and understand that you can't do something the same every time and hope for a different outcome.  These are people like you, and me.. we know that it can and will get worse sometimes, but we know that with help, and work, it will eventually get better.

Then there are the others.  The people who are so lost in their own little worlds that it becomes like a stage.  It's like their life is a bad play, and no one wants to buy tickets anymore.  You see, they probably have a bad past, they come from a rough background littered with abuse.  Then they grow up, and the instances don't stop. They become victims because that's all they know how to be.  They are repeatedly offered help.  They get lots of therapy, lots of medication, but you can just see it in their eyes they don't take it seriously when they put themselves in dangerous situations again and again. They KNOW what will cause them to have a break down, and still, despite knowing better put themselves in situations where it's exceedingly possible for them to have one.  These are the people who are hurt, and they know it feels better when people are around and paying attention to them. They know it feels good to be surrounded by friends and family.. Sadly what they don't realize is that when the friends and family get tired of all the drama, and all of the self centered-ness they are going to walk away...

This is what has happened to this old roommate of mine. She doesn't want to get better.. not truly. She pines to be normal, and doesn't understand how to get there.  She knows that when she is sick, or in a risky situation people pay attention to her.  She knows the attention makes her feel better.  What she also knows is that when people start to ignore her she's got to do something big to get their attention again. This time she OD'd on pain killers and then started throwing out text messages about wanting to die.

I feel so sorry for her. I feel so sorry that in all the hours of therapy she has still missed the most basic of lessons.  But I also feel awful because I completely analyzed the entire situation, and deducted that this was a play for attention.

This girl is very smart, has a BA in biology and is diabetic.  If she wanted to die, and I mean REALLY wanted to die, she could have done it--easily.  People who are SERIOUSLY trying to die don't OD on medication and then start texting people.  She was crying out for attention and was WILLING to die for her cause.  People who really want to kill themselves and HAVE more lethal means *such as enough insulin to put themselves into a coma* use those more lethal means. They don't play around.

I am not saying she doesn't feel hopeless. I am not saying she doesn't feel like she wants to go away forever..

But her actions are as such that it doesn't really look like she wants to die.  She wants help/attention.

Doll-face,

There are two types of crazy people in the world.  Promise me you'll always be the first one.  Pull yourself up by your own boot straps.. get help when you know you're sinking too deep to help yourself.  Understand that the people around you want to support you getting better, not constantly watch you make a shit-show of yourself.  Get better, come home.  We miss you to pieces.

Why I Haven't Written Lately..

Dear Doll-face,

Meet Kain, he's just your average sim.

Okay, not that average... he also happens to be an inventor.

An inventor who has secrets.. but who doesn't?!

You can't judge him just because he's a little obsessed with Alchemy....

Oh, well and there is Bonehilda...

but she just cleans up around the house when he's busy... and trust me.. Kain gets pretty busy.

You see, a while back Kain got himself into some trouble.

But don't worry!

It's not fatal!

You see, what I neglected to mention was that Kain Nyne happens to moonlight as a werewolf.

Something seems to be bothering him though....

A Fairy!

Not just any fairy though... his best friend and roommate...

(Zombies always ruin everything...)

Meet Zephire Songbird...

She's a bit of a trickster...

But luckily for Kain she is mostly busy talking to the enchanted mirror...

With love,
Rebecca

Sooo Supernatural.

Dear Doll-face,

So Supernatural came out yesterday/today for the Sims 3. My second favorite sims let's player has already started her let's play of the newest expansion pack.  This is what I will be sitting and watching on youtube for a while. Be warned her let's play usually don't really get going until the second episode because she goes through all the create-a-sim content. I've had a HORRIBLE case of the PEPS *pre-expansion pack syndrome* which is why I put my legacy on pause.  Yesterday was the first day I'd played in a long time and I only played because I was inspired by Andrew Arcade. *my favorite let's player* If you ever miss the sims too much I highly recommend watching his sims let's plays because he's so hilarious. I wish I had a better graphics card so I could get BOTH supernatural and seasons, but I'm just going to have to hold out for seasons in November.  I figure with seasons I'll get more bang for my buck by doubling game play by adding seasons, where as super natural I'm just getting the world of magic which would only add to SOME sims scenarios. *Note how I minimize how much I love magic in the sims so I don't try and get both despite knowing better*

So I COMPLETELY blew this weekend. I stayed in my pajamas ALL weekend.  I did NOTHING.  Sunday Michael and I watched the North American Regional's for League.  Monday we just sat around.  It felt good to do nothing.  I'm sad that it ends today when I go back to work.  I'm actually procrastinating hopping in the shower and getting ready for work.

So I am playing that first mega episode of Quxxns let's play in the background... which is all the create-a-sim stuff... I just flipped over to glance at what she was raving about and got insta-mad about how cute her sim looked in the new custom content.

I think I drown out my loneliness and lack of female friends with sims.  I'm probably going to start marathoning on it.. so if I were you I wouldn't be surprised if I started posting pictures of my master thief I created yesterday.

Last quick thing, Michael left his slippers at my mom's house a while ago, and she just sent this picture to me. The caption was "MINE!" but it looks more like "I miss you!" It makes me miss my puppy.  Miss you darling.  Don't forget it's completely legitimate to Skype us, even if you just wanna play a game and have us in the background to babble at.. and just because I'm not "online" doesn't mean I'm not sometimes just invisible.  I love you!

House Keeping.

Dear Doll-face,

We have let the house get behind... way behind.  We got a ton of crap from my grandparents apartment, and in between that Mike has been bringing things that I assume were once Derrick and Amber's.. to say the least the house is a mess. Not to mention now I really am working close to 40 hours a week, which doesn't leave much time for being well rested and cleaning up. Also now your big brother is working and going to school so I've got to start pulling more weight in keeping the house up.

You can't really tell, but I have TOTALLY made progress.

So today on my day off I am playing catch up.  I plan to get the downstairs done today.  The upstairs actually isn't so bad except for the piles of laundry.. I might give in and just haul it all to the laundromat just to catch up.  Your brother got behind when I stopped working Sundays and stopped being able to do them then.  Mike made the front room (formally your cave of disaster) into his own cave of disaster while we were gone for an extended weekend.. so I am picking up some of that also.  Granted the entire mess isn't his, but it's still frustrating because the video game mess IS his. He is the one who has been down playing and watching Netflix in his free time.

So they don't know it yet, but they both have to deal with their respective hobby messes when they get back to the house tonight.  I'm not really asking them to do anything else so it's the least they can do.

Right now I am taking a breather while the dish washer runs. I just went through the fridge and cleaned out some stuff. I have been vacuuming the floor between passes of garbage bags and anytime I get another section picked up.  So far I have dumped the canister 4 times.. there is so much Bella hair.. if you don't run the floor every couple of days the hair starts to pile, and I know Michael has been pushing it off because the last few times he's done it he's always almost accidentally broke the cleaner.  Poor dude.

I'm just relieved because for the mos part I have all the garbage picked up and all the dishes sequestered to the kitchen, I've just got to start putting things away.  Easier said than done, right?

Alright, I think I have taken a good break by writing to you. I'm going to get back into the thick of things.  Your brother will be home in about an hour and a half and I want him to really be able to notice that I've got things done.  Take care of yourself!

16 Huh?

Hey Doll-face,

I bet you think you're big tits now since today's your 16th birthday. Well I've got some news for you, 16 is probably the most awkward age there is.

I mean sure, is has its bonuses. There is nothing like your first big love at 16. Sure, you may have had a fling before but there's something magical about being sixteen that makes you feel like it might last forever.  You also go through that amazing phase of feeling like you have achieved greatness, you're untouchable and that you have the power to own the world.  It's tempting to feel like you're actually finally free.  This feeling will only become more intoxicating once you actually get behind the wheel of a car alone for the first time, and realize no one can actually stop you once you put it into gear.


Alas, these are the things that your imagination will treat you to.. sure some of it may be real, but let's be honest 16 is just a hyped up age where your hormones are raging which means that EVERYTHING feels more dramatic. (If you ever need an example of drama just ask your dear old sister-in-law about her circle of friends when she was 16, she's got some stories that are full of teens hopped up on drama educing hormones.) But in case you were wondering, here's a list of the things that you can NOW magically do, just because you made it to today:

• Get married or register a civil partnership with consent (Good thing, right? You can't let yourself become an old maid by 18..)
• Drive a moped or invalid carriage (sweet, you should get a vespa)
• You can consent to sexual activity with others aged 16 and over (Just don't tell us about it until you're married.. we will always pretend you are as innocent as a lamb)
• Drink wine/beer with a meal if accompanied by someone over 18 (Not that we've ever stopped you, Huzzah!)
• Get a National Insurance number (wooo! someone to pay for my mistakes while I pay them just in case I accidentally make one)
• Join a trade union (because 'MERICA!)
• Work full-time if you have left school (Why would you want to work? There is internet...)
• Be paid national minimum wage for 16/17 year olds (WOO! Money, not as much as the rest of the population, but still.. WOO money!)
• Join the Armed Forces with parental consent (In case you decide that neither hugs or drugs are your slated path in life..)
• Change name by deed poll (now you can legally change your name to be Doll-Face, because that's what the cool kids are doing)
• Leave home with parental consent (In the sense that you can move out.. not just walk out angrily for a while..)
• Consent to medical treatment (They can not longer FORCE you to take shots, YAY)
• Buy premium bonds (Because you have a use for those, ya know..)
• Pilot a glider (You weren't afraid of heights, were you?)
• Buy a lottery ticket (Too bad you can't claim the winnings until you're 18..)
• Register as a blood donor, but you won't be called to give blood until you're 17 (At least you'll be on the list!)
• Apply for a passport without parental consent (Why would anyone do this?? I don't even understand?? :P)

Intense, huh?  It's okay because the list will only continue to get longer as you get older.

Just do us all a favor and don't be too eager to embrace the miniature adult within.  We like our teenage Doll-face and aren't necessarily ready to let go of her yet.

Happy Birthday! Congratulations on this mega milestone that we celebrate because society arbitrarily decided that 16 was a good age to let you operate a motor vehicle. We love you so much.  (We also are so sad that we didn't get to actually speak to you on your birthday, trust me.. we're miserable.)


P.S. You can also count on me not to get into a car with you behind the wheel until you're 30.. because your mum and brother will probably teach you, and their driving scares me.

High Speed and Slow Times

Dear Peach,

Today I met my dad in Galesburg for lunch. It went alright.  We just don't know each other so it's going to take a long time before our relationship is any sort of normal.

I have an extra day off tomorrow because despite work speeding up sometimes, its still not full swing busy yet... Despite needing the hours I took the day willingly because I've been feeling really stressed out.

Tomorrow Michael gets his new cell phone and we officially shut down yours. We are so relived. No more cell phone bill for us... well, except for helping mom out with hers since it's getting a bigger, but adding him is still cheaper than us paying for the old bill your family has through Verizon. Three cheers for saving money!

Jon isn't moving in.  I'm not surprised.  He and his mom had an argument that ended in an ultimatum that translated into him NOT moving in with us. I think I knew from the beginning it wouldn't happen, but I was hopeful for the extra income for a while.

Ryan and Kayla are both playing League now.  It's kinda nice because that means we talk to them more. For PAX they are releasing a new Sona skin, Sona is my favorite champ so I am hoping I will have enough RP to buy it when it comes out in a week or so.

Anyway, I'm going to go help Michael with dinner, I hope you're doing alright. We miss you.

Mood Swings

Dear Doll-face,

HolycrapI'msomoodylately.

Yesterday Michael and I had to drive up to my mom's to help move some furniture.. I feel awful because I was having the worst cramps and getting a horrible migraine.  I was basically in a horrible mood for the whole day.

It's so weird...

The apartment is basically cleared out.  Everything that's left is trash. A friend of the family came by and picked up the entertainment center and TV from the picture I posted below.  All of those little end tables were donated to good will.  Basically all that's left is garbage bags and cleaning supplies.  I know you were only there once, and just for a moment, but I'm sure you can't even recognize the place.

After we ran through the donation drive at goodwill we went inside.  While we walked around we noticed a few things up for sale that had clearly come out of grandma and grandpas.  I couldn't tell if I was happy, relieved, or sad when we saw them.  Maybe it was a bit of all three.

Mom bought a copy of the Hunger Games movie, and is letting Michael and I borrow it *in that way that Michael and I tend to never give things back and she knows it*  I watched it as soon as we got in last night and I am actually watching it in the background as I am writing to you right now.  Michael and I  thought it would be funny if we skyped you and we put a camera on a TV/Laptop playing the movie and just sat there and watched it with you.  I am still considering it. IMDB has a listing up for Catching Fire already. I don't wanna wait over a year for it to come out, but I'm not in charge of that so I guess I'll just have to... If I'm reading things right, and if rumors are true, it looks like The Mockingjay will come out in two parts. Boo.

I'm going to go ahead right now and tell you that you are simply now allowed to see the last Hunger Games movie without me. Sure it won't come out until 2015, but I don't care.  We officially have a date set for November 20, 2015 *What is rumored to be the release date of Mockingjay part 2* We'll buy ice cream and cry afterwards.

Rue just died. Makes me so sad every time.

Michael started back to school today. He didn't want to, but I'm proud of him.  We all make decisions that we don't want to make.  This is his.  I just hope someday we'll be in a place where I can let him follow his dream instead of taking one for the team.

Anyway, I'm going to finish watching his movie and then get dressed for work.  Take care of yourself, we really miss you.

"New Schedule"

Dear Doll-Face,

I have been on a new work schedule for a week as of tomorrow.  So far, in the 5 day work week I have, I have only worked ONE day as the schedule has dictated.  I have left and come in early or a combination of both EVERDAY this week.  /facepalm.

Mostly this leaves me super tired.  I got home at about 3pm today and promptly fell asleep until just after 6.  Right now I am just killing time waiting for meat to defrost.. I really want food. I'm starving.  You see, we need to grocery shop but it's move in weekend at WIU which means everywhere always is insanely busy.  I don't want to deal with the people or traffic, and since I need to be up at 6:30 tomorrow morning I can't go late tonight.  I'll have to go late tomorrow night *to avoid all the annoying students*

My allergies had sort of let up but now they are out of control again. My eyes are swelling and my nose is trying to escape my face.  Also everything is cloudy and fuzzy, it's awful.

Yesterday was a day off for me, so my girlfriends and I used Google hangouts to video chat together.  Google hangout will let you video chat with up to 10 people at a time.  Which is awesome.  There are also apps that plug in so we can draw pictures and play games together.  We could make a youtube play list that automatically shares with everyone in live time... so we could all watch the same thing at the same time together.  It was pretty neat.  We drew some pictures, but I think it's best not to show them to you... (We really are horrible people.)

In my free time I have been watching Andrew Arcade's LP's of the sims.  If you get bored you might wanna check some of them out, especially his original sims lets play... because it's so hilarious.

(I felt like maybe this episode would make you smile.)

Anyway, I am going to go stare at chicken thawing and force your brother to cook me dinner while I whine about being tired.

We miss you, take care of yourself!

Cats

Dear Doll-face,

I once read that cats are like teenagers, and for the most part they just like to be left alone.  In light of this discovery, I thought I'd share more ways in which cats and teenagers are similar.  Enjoy.

Both cats and teenagers are naturally curious, they sometimes get themselves into trouble this way but to them it's all fun and games.

   

 Both cats and teenagers tend to dislike showers.

   

 Like cats, teenagers are also picky eaters.

   

 Also, cats and teenagers both require a lot of sleep.

   

 A widely known fact, both cats and teenagers spend a lot of time fretting about their appearances.

   

 Another widely known fact: both teenagers and cats have an internet and technology addiction. They can't help it, it's part of who they are.

 

Lastly, both cats and teenagers have excellent tastes in music.

 

(Okay I guess I made that last one up...)

It's Getting Hard Here

Hey Doll-face,

I've been busy again.  All of those trips back home and the hot summer heat have taken their toll on our bank account.  For the first time since Michael and I were left in the house we don't have enough money to pay the bills.  We're closing out my savings account and having to ask Mike to pay rent a week early to pay all my student loans and the mortgage.  We're a little bit stressed out here.

I thought about shutting down the Netflix but they are going to bill me for this month anyway so it wouldn't have helped.  By next month hopefully we will have dropped at least one of the inactive phones from the Verizon plan, which will drop that bill lower.  Also this is technically a three pay check month for me.. sadly that last check comes to late to pay this months bills, or we would be in the gold.

We got confident that Jon was going to be moving in, and then we had those two trips back home.. and the vet bills were big.. (we won't be able to afford the animals monthly flea treatments until after I get paid on the 29th) We fell flat on our butts. Jon can't afford to move in until probably next month...

We are also having to sit and wait to find out if Michael gets OPT or has to go back to school.  He doesn't want to go back but his monthly income that would come out of him being a grad student and teaching is too much to pass at this point, especially with us being as poor as we are right now.

We're still gonna go ahead and blame it all on you though, cause the electric bill is still higher than normal from you being here and falling asleep with the tv, your laptop, and half the lights on../staying up all night. By the time we get the next one we won't have that excuse anymore.  The time you spent here will be out of the rotation. (Boo, we're losing a scapegoat.)

I'm sorry it's been all bad lately.. hopefully once we get all these bills paid (or at least get the early rent from Mike so we physically have the money) things will start to look up.  Hopefully.

We'll see.

Take care of yourself.  Be kind to your sister.  We miss you.

Jeans Save Lives.

Dear Doll-face,

I came to work early today, to let the manager leave early so I could be home with my mom through Sunday helping clean out grandpa's apartment. As I came in I knew I had two pairs of pants to hem, but there was a third bag in the bin with my name on it.  It was something new that came in today.

I opened the bag to a pair of very large and rough jeans.  Seat ripped out, holes everywhere.  They wer awful. I rolled my eyes and just assumed that someone must love them an awful lot to drag them to a cleaners for repairs when they were so obviously so far gone.

So I tore patches off donated jean parts, sewed up the butt, and sat for about 3 hours stiching slowly between customers.  At nearly 6pm a guy came in and I was still stiching away. He leaned over and looked and said, "I'm here for a pair of jeans, in fact that looks like them."

I was relieved.  There were still lots of holes but now that I had a person in front of me I could ask him what mattered and what didn't.  We settled on repairing one last belt loop.  He hung out while I stiched it up really quickly.

I also made a sick fort out of drying drop cloths.

I noticed the customer had bandages around his hands and wrists, but I didn't want to pry.  Instead I asked, "So what's so special about these jeans?"

That's when he recounted the story.  Last week he was biking (motercycling) down back to Macomb from somewhere in Wisconsin (a 900 mile trip he said).  He was going to make the ride in one day.  It was hot, so he didn't wear his biking gloves.  He blew a tire going 90 miles per hour on a highway road. He fishtaled to try and reduce his speed, but still took a decent spill.  His hands were cut up to crap, and he luckly skidd most of the way on his butt, not his back or head.  Those walmart brand wrangler jeans that I was slowly restiching had probably saved his life, and were all that protected the skin on his legs.

Major respect as I made the last knot and charged him $2.00 instead of the ten that I'd been thinking about all evening.  A cool story discount, that was my rational anyway.

I decided to hit you with a back to back since Michael and I will be leaving with Bella tonight for my mom's and won't be back until Sunday night or Monday morning. I'll try and blog while we're up there, but no promises.  I miss you kiddo. Love you lots.

Distance

Dear Doll-face,

So my father and I have agreed that we just don't know where to start anymore.  At my grandparents anniversary party we called a truce of sorts, and agreed that the biggest problem in our relationship was that we didn't know where to start anymore.

He has been in and out of my life since he left my mom.  We're probably both at fault, during different phases. He had expectations that I think were a bit high for a teenager, I got angry and used honesty as a weapon.  There were half-hearted attempts on both ends through the years.  There has been times of giving up, and times of trying.  In the end it comes down to one thing, and one thing only.

We are basically strangers.

I hardly know anything about him, I just know things.  I can tell you what some of his interests are, and I can ramble things off.  But I don't know him at all.  I don't really know what his tastes are, what he does on a daily basis, what his life is like.

But he doesn't know anything about me either.  In fact, he probably knows less. I've been growing up all these years, and for the most part I've left him out of it.  (And at times he has just ignored it.)

He invited me up for his birthday, I think instead of attending the big family ordeal, I ask him if he wants to meet up for lunch or dinner on a day near by it... I've been demonized for years (and no one can tell me that's not at least sort of true with out at least kind of lying) so I don't really want to just jump into the ranks.  I think it would be better to start slow.

And slow is how we shall take it.

Miss you darling, take care of yourself.

Then left the ground to circle the earth...

Dear Doll-face,

I have been putting off blogging and waiting for the positive spin.  I'm here to report there isn't much positive in sight, and I can't go a solid week without a blog, that's just not right.

This is actually my grandmother's wedding dress.

This weekend was my grandparents on my dad's side 50th anniversary party.  Besides having to pose for pretty pictures and having to pretend that my step mom was my mom for those pictures, it went mostly alright.  I made it out alive.  It was very sweet, many people showed up to with congratulations.  I was distracted though, very very distracted.

Last week my grandpa Snider was put on some pain medication, and he started to hallucinate badly.  We pulled him off the medication right away.  In the beginning he knew he was seeing things, he knew that although he could see grandma, she was dead.  This changed rapidly.  Friday night my mom went over and asked him where he wanted to go for Pizza, he proceeded to ask "Mother" where she wanted to go. Mom pulled all the stuffed animals off the couch and tried to show him that no one was there, and that's when he turned to the vacuum cleaner and started talking to it.  She had to pry it out of his hands, he really believed it was Grandma.  She took him to the ER Friday night and Saturday we put him in a nursing home.  He see's grandma in everything.  He at one point kept pointing to an invisible man with a shotgun who was holding grandma hostage.

He's been pulling apart things and trying to fix them. He sees loose screws and bolts that don't really exist.  When Michael and I got to the home, he smiled and greeted us, but he looked right through me.  It's like I was just another phantom that only he could see.  It all happened so suddenly.

Since he has a medical condition and suffers from TIA's it is impossible to tell if he's recently had a major stroke, or has just been throwing more clots.  The hypoxia caused by his emphysema could also be a contributing factor to his sudden loss of know-where.  His in a less than 24 hour span his ankles have started to fill with fluid, which is a classic symptom showing that his blood flow to his feet is becoming labored. The blood cannot preform all of it's functions, which includes taking away waste fluids.

I have never seen my grandfather this way. He's almost child like, not nearly the stoic man who raised me.  He wouldn't have wanted me to see him that way.

Since we cannot pin point an exact cause of the sudden downturn, everyone has a theory. Some doctors and nurses (including my mother) believe he may have had a more major stroke that went unnoticed.  Others cite knowledge that some older people have sudden mental breaks often after suffering major bone damage (and since he sustained a sudden but subtle back injury, this may be likely). Trishia and I, along with a lot of the staff at the nursing home see broken heart syndrome. He has always had a heart condition, and has barely survived more than two major heart events.

I also have taken to a more cryptic translation as of late.  Here at the end, he has been making preperations, giving things to people, making sure he's telling everyone he loves them.. I think he was preparing for death.  I think he really is seeing Grandma, I think she's here for him.  I can't explain it but in that nursing home I swear I smelled white diamonds.  Sure, it's a classic smell that many older women enjoy... but what if.. what if she's really there.  What if she's back for him, and waiting to be by his side when the end comes?

It's back to half asleep nights for us, waiting for the phone to ring, and waiting for the end to come.  This weekend my cousin and aunt are driving out from Kansas to help wrap up some loose ends, to try and be here before the end.  I'll be going back up too.

I'll try and keep you posted, I'll make more of an effort to blog.  Last night Michael reminded me that not everything had a positive spin, and he's right. I've got to share the good and the bad.  Right now, there is just a lot more bad than good.

We love  you, and we really miss you.  I especially miss the late night company.  Take care of yourself.

Only TWO Days

Dear Doll-face,

Holycrapimsotired. Today was day two out of my six day run. I'm already exhausted.  Also, managers are supposed to answer all the questions BEFORE they leave town for 10 days. Srsly.

Also, I killed this:

Death by Windex.

Actually, I killed two of them.  The second one I murdered today I hit with a fly swatter.  It kept buzzing around me after I hit it and I freaked the crap out, then it fell to the floor. That's when I noticed that I had decapitated it when I hit it. It's front half took one more joy fly after the split, but it's but was laying on the floor about a yard away.  So gross.  Still, I thought you should know about it.

Also, I hate wire hangers. You see, when you bring me a box of "Old wire hangers we've had shoved in the back of our closet for years" it's actually very similar to bringing a used french fry box to McDonald's.  The smile on your face makes it impossible for me to turn you away, however it's mostly just awkward because at both a Dry Cleaners and a McDonald's, the thing you are handing us is just garbage you couldn't bring yourself to throw away.  Don't get me wrong, it's great that you want to recycle, however if you wouldn't put your clothes on them, we aren't going to put clothes people pay us to clean on them.

Other than work, I've started a Legacy Challenge family on the sims.  It's pretty hardcore. I'm rounding close to adulthood for my second generation *the founder's children* and we've got a nice two bedroom house with most of the necessary items for a functional home.  I have a lot more simoleons in the bank, but I'm waiting for that second generation to get married before I start building a bigger house. I'm actually thinking about just sitting down with a sheet of graph paper and planning out my house floor plan that way ahead of time. This way I can just tear down what I have, and when I begin construction for the next generation I can just be building towards the floor plan. Rooms can be converted into different rooms as need be.  Sure, that might lead to some awkwardly big rooms and empty rooms for a while, but at least I wouldn't be wasting time/money on the build.

Anyway, I'm gonna start boiling some chicken so I can make BBQ sandwiches.  I'm probably also gonna boil some eggs while I'm at it.  

Love ya darling  :D We miss you x10000000000000000000000000000000000000.  Or something like that.

A new tactic.

Oh Doll-face,

Although as a whole, I think our flea problem is getting better, the battle is starting to take a serious toll on one of our Privates.  L is the most infected of our bunch, sadly he's the only one of the lot that never goes outside thus our baby with the least exposure is being hit the hardest.  We can't have this, it's not fair to him.

Also, in light of Bella and Charlie being due for a rabies shot, we turn to the vet, for L's sake. He's got himself in a vicious cycle.  We don't know if he itched first, or he got himself a scab playing with Killer (which is actually very likely we noticed his scabs appearing before the flea outbreak) but he has had a trend of fresh scabs on his neck and under his chin, which is fresh blood that draws the fleas to him.  Then because scabs are itchy and fleas are itchy he scratches... and he has no self control over his claws so he opens wounds and then more fleas flock.

The poor thing.  Last night I attacked him with a flea comb and my first couple of swipes just pulled out lots of dry skin and flea dirt, but then quickly I started to comb out fleas.  I have not seen THIS many fleas since we brought Killer home from the farm as a baby.  He sat so still for me too and even began to purr as we pulled out fleas combing his entire neck and chin area.  I'm thankful he at least realized that we were helping him. The other cats won't sit for that comb at all.. but also they don't have nearly as many as he does.

So this morning your brother called in another General, the vet, and set an appointment for Bella and Charlie and while he's there he'll be getting some heavy hitting prescription flea medicine.  I imagine that means tomorrow EVERYONE will get another bath and then get medicated.  Over this weekend your brother and I will diligently be moving furniture and vacuuming to eradicate the buggers from our house to try and keep the infections from sticking around.

Update: It has been 24 hours since  wrote the first half of this blog.  We went to the vet and everyone got a Flea pill, by the end of the night we had no more live fleas. Yay!  Also Today Bella got a bath to kill off eggs (the pill kills fleas once they bite and lasts a month in the system.. this means eggs will still hatch but fleas will die upon first bite) and she got a new collar, because I said so.

Right now I'm eating turkey pot pie that your brother made from scratch, and he is tipsy from having too much wine. If I stop updating after tonight it's because I died due to eating your brothers drunken cooking.

Love ya and miss ya!

The War Zone

Dear Doll-face,

The battle for the house rages on. We have begun to start to battle fleas in the house with as much force as we are battling the fleas on the animals.  They will soon regret the  day that they decided the infest our animals.

It took a lot of self control not to just eat
 the apples by the spoon at this stage.

Last night I made a delicious pie.  It was carmel apple pecan strusel. It was just your typical apple pie, but then we add pecans and caramel to it.  The top, instead of being your typical pie crust was a strusel mix with pecans and drizzled in carmel. I am also proud to say that I made the crust myself.  Suck on that Martha Stewart.   I've been in the mood to cook (read: had a lot on my mind and cooking sort of calms me down) so I've got plans to make your brother a pot pie this week, probably tomorrow night.  I bought pie crusts for it, but I might just make my own again.. I feel like buying it and then making the rest from strach is cheating.

I've been all out of sorts lately, tension is building and my grandmother is throwing down the heat when it comes to getting her great grands.  Ye olde grandmother has made sure to mention when my cousin plans on starting a family.  She doesn't quite understand why Michael and I can't just move out of your parents house and move on with our lives.  I don't blame her for not understanding because sometimes I don't understand it all myself.  I just wish she'd remember that we're suffering at times, and reminding us of how "normal marriages" work isn't helping or making the situation any easier.

The caramel hadn't melted yet, but this is
mostly how it looked. So good.

Gosh I miss my friends.  Miss is really and understatement.  I've been the kind of lonely that no matter how much Michael tries, he just can't fix.  I miss having someone near by to chat with about everyday bull honkey.  I particularly miss having another girl around.  Someone near by that I can confide in.  I know I need to have friends, but that doesn't make making them any easier.  I wish it did.  I made a half hearted comment about needing friends the other night at our roommate echoed it back and he probably didn't realize it at the time, but I nearly burst into tears. I've also been pretty sensitive as of late.  I probably just need a good weekend to clear my head.  Maybe when Batman comes out in a few days I can talk Michael into movie marathon.

Anyway, I'm going to head out for the night, I have an eye doctors appointment in the morning, and then I'm going to order new glasses afterwards from a website my mom's coworker Peg suggested to me.  Holy crap good glasses for so much cheaper...  Have a good day/night Doll-face, we are missing you to death.