Then left the ground to circle the earth...

Dear Doll-face,

I have been putting off blogging and waiting for the positive spin.  I'm here to report there isn't much positive in sight, and I can't go a solid week without a blog, that's just not right.

This is actually my grandmother's wedding dress.

This weekend was my grandparents on my dad's side 50th anniversary party.  Besides having to pose for pretty pictures and having to pretend that my step mom was my mom for those pictures, it went mostly alright.  I made it out alive.  It was very sweet, many people showed up to with congratulations.  I was distracted though, very very distracted.

Last week my grandpa Snider was put on some pain medication, and he started to hallucinate badly.  We pulled him off the medication right away.  In the beginning he knew he was seeing things, he knew that although he could see grandma, she was dead.  This changed rapidly.  Friday night my mom went over and asked him where he wanted to go for Pizza, he proceeded to ask "Mother" where she wanted to go. Mom pulled all the stuffed animals off the couch and tried to show him that no one was there, and that's when he turned to the vacuum cleaner and started talking to it.  She had to pry it out of his hands, he really believed it was Grandma.  She took him to the ER Friday night and Saturday we put him in a nursing home.  He see's grandma in everything.  He at one point kept pointing to an invisible man with a shotgun who was holding grandma hostage.

He's been pulling apart things and trying to fix them. He sees loose screws and bolts that don't really exist.  When Michael and I got to the home, he smiled and greeted us, but he looked right through me.  It's like I was just another phantom that only he could see.  It all happened so suddenly.

Since he has a medical condition and suffers from TIA's it is impossible to tell if he's recently had a major stroke, or has just been throwing more clots.  The hypoxia caused by his emphysema could also be a contributing factor to his sudden loss of know-where.  His in a less than 24 hour span his ankles have started to fill with fluid, which is a classic symptom showing that his blood flow to his feet is becoming labored. The blood cannot preform all of it's functions, which includes taking away waste fluids.

I have never seen my grandfather this way. He's almost child like, not nearly the stoic man who raised me.  He wouldn't have wanted me to see him that way.

Since we cannot pin point an exact cause of the sudden downturn, everyone has a theory. Some doctors and nurses (including my mother) believe he may have had a more major stroke that went unnoticed.  Others cite knowledge that some older people have sudden mental breaks often after suffering major bone damage (and since he sustained a sudden but subtle back injury, this may be likely). Trishia and I, along with a lot of the staff at the nursing home see broken heart syndrome. He has always had a heart condition, and has barely survived more than two major heart events.

I also have taken to a more cryptic translation as of late.  Here at the end, he has been making preperations, giving things to people, making sure he's telling everyone he loves them.. I think he was preparing for death.  I think he really is seeing Grandma, I think she's here for him.  I can't explain it but in that nursing home I swear I smelled white diamonds.  Sure, it's a classic smell that many older women enjoy... but what if.. what if she's really there.  What if she's back for him, and waiting to be by his side when the end comes?

It's back to half asleep nights for us, waiting for the phone to ring, and waiting for the end to come.  This weekend my cousin and aunt are driving out from Kansas to help wrap up some loose ends, to try and be here before the end.  I'll be going back up too.

I'll try and keep you posted, I'll make more of an effort to blog.  Last night Michael reminded me that not everything had a positive spin, and he's right. I've got to share the good and the bad.  Right now, there is just a lot more bad than good.

We love  you, and we really miss you.  I especially miss the late night company.  Take care of yourself.