Lack of Control

Dear Doll-face,

There are a lot of things in life that we can't control.. and it sucks.

Sometimes, often times we have to live our lives according to decisions others have made for us.  I, for one, know how much it blows to have to give up control of yourself, or your things because someone else needs them or had made a decision for you, that you didn't agree to.

Nothing sucks more than signing a contract and finding out that they didn't tell you to read the back of it before signing it.

In 2006 I had just graduated high school, and was preparing to leave for KSU for college.  I was elated.  I was so excited.  It was all planned out.  I was going to move into my aunt's house in August and then stay with them for all minor breaks and extended weekends, only traveling all the way back home for major holidays.  Upon finishing my first semester we were going to re list my address on file at the school as my aunt and uncle's so I could be considered an in state student and receive instate fees for my sophomore year and onward.  I LOVED the program I was coming into. I LOVED the campus. I even really got along with the roommate I was assigned to room with in the Strong Complex, in Boyd hall.  Visiting campus was like visiting HOME. I felt like I belonged there, and every time I visited I made a friend.

My parents never set up terms for my college attendence in their divorce settlement, so they went back to court when it came to light for my father that I was going to attend school out of state.  Although he and I had an extremely limited relationship, he decided if I left the state for school he'd never see me again(also he openly complained to people that he didn't have the money to pay for out of state tuition...probably because my father has poor spending habits and liked to take vacations on cruise ships...)  The court decided it was a reasonable restriction that for him to have to pay for a third of my education *which is a standard agreement in divorces... the mother pays a third, the father pays a third, and the student pays a third* I should have to attend a state school within our state.  They decided this in July of 2006.

Let's talk about devastation.

Let's talk about how you spend time preparing all of these goodbyes to friends, boyfriends, and family.. and then you suddenly find out that you're not going anywhere.  I didn't go to college where I did because I wanted to, I went because it was the only place I could get to admit me in the 11th hour before the semester started that wasn't the local community college.

And bitch please, I was not going to go to the community college that was only 5 minutes away from my dad's house.  I was going to drive as far away as I could from him.

I can't regret the decision to go to college here now, because to regret that would be to regret marrying your brother, and having you as my sister-in-law.  But I will always wonder if some of the struggles I face now, would even exist if it weren't for his selfishness and immaturity.

I know you feel the same way right now.  You're looking at your parents with anger and frustration.  You're mad because these aren't decisions you would make for yourself. Trust me, I'm looking at them that way too.  We're a family, and that means for better or worse, we are stuck together.  We are ALL at the mercy of the decisions that ALL of us make. I'm 24 years old, and married and I do not get to determine how I spend my money or where I live.  These are things normal people my age have control over. You bet your butt I sometimes want to put my head through a wall and scream and shout and send angry emails.  But I also realize that this anger and frustration isn't constructive, and besides occasionally venting to my mother or your brother pointing it at anyone else is only going to make things harder, or cause more hurt feelings.

There is ONE thing I have control over in all of this.  In ALL of our crazy and stressful life situations we all have ONE thing in common, one thing that each of us can control.

We can control how WE react, treat each other, and behave. You can be as furious and angry and sad and frustrated as you want, but it's not productive to scream and yell at whomever you are blaming or upset with. (I am NOT saying your emotions are NOT valid.  You have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you feel, no matter how you feel at any point in time.)  The ways we treat each other and the ways we act around each other are going to directly influence how we make it through rough situations.  If you treat someone like heck and are mad at them all the time, you are only creating a MORE unpleasant environment for yourself. (Even if you feel like they deserve to know that you are mad at them)  Believe it or not, NOT saying anything because you CAN'T say anything nice is a really great motto to live by. Just be polite, and do your best to not put yourself in a conversation that upsets you.  If someone strikes a nerve let it roll off your back, don't bite down and fight them.  Be BIGGER than your emotions.

It's hard advice to hear, and it's even harder advice to take.  Some days it's all I can do to follow it.

But I know the closer I follow it, the better off everything will be.

Everything is temporary, and life is to short to fight with everyone around you.

Remember you have your brother and I's love and support ALWAYS and that we think of you a million times a day.  Remember that we are ALL in this together, and that we WILL escape eventually.  Remember that although the life choices that get made for you may feel like a burden, they may eventually become something that makes you who you are as you grow in life.

There is always sunshine after a rainstorm.  It will always get better, if you wait through the worst of it.

Take care of yourself, remember that you get what you give.